August 11, 2013

WHERE DID OUR DREAMS GO?

I am glad that I have had the moxie to make and maintain DAMA & DIG thus far.
I feel a good self-love when occasionally reflecting on the photographs and musings I pieced together for Marfa, White Sands, Bolinas, much like the way it feels to come across an old journal. Frankly, this blog is the reason I made sure to document so much of a wonderful time. I would be defeated after the fact if I decided one day to delete everything in haste, and how futile the act of delete is! But I think about it.

Quitting a job, abandoning love, flying the coop, breaking down in southern swamps, feeling an empty bank account - all of these things have been catalysts for natural growth. I've made the room for aha!-moments since April, I have evolved. And today the side of myself uncomfortable with having a blog is crooning. What part of curating a controlled and idealized version of myself isn't weird? This is not my sum. Instead each post is a piece of a constructed self-image. I pursue sincerity but this journal is public, too aware of itself, and so my relationship with it different than the handwritten ones from my adolescence. I worry that my intentions are a complete waste of time, more sustenance for the narcissistic behemoth that lives inside of social media, and ultimately the people that sign up.

I consider who this is for. Is it enough to say this chronological collection is just for me to look back on, or for my beloved who live far away to feel close at heart? I sometimes rationalize it this way and keep going. But eventually I come back to my bottom line which is that social media outlets of this nature (general lifestyle envy blogs, Instagram) are one colossal popularity contest. I consider my participation and the boost I allow myself to feel when I receive heavy blog traffic or "likes" as if I'm actually doing something with civic purpose or importance. In using this artificial interface I become a subject in a most superficial pavlovian cycle. Yes, keep going! You are successful in establishing an exquisite looking existence with photoshopped pictures of yourself in the desert! 

Additionally, my observations of other people's relationships with digital life (women in particular) are perplexing and discouraging. For instance, a person might feel negatively about the lawless egomania associated with Instagram but still continue to survey the images secretly or even throw their convictions to the wind and use the application entirely. In keeping up with this blog, I currently I fall into the latter category. Some people scoff at blogs of this nature and deny looking at them, but they're looking at them - I know because Blogger tells me so. The fact is, people like the photoshopped pictures of me in the desert whether or not they admit it, but is that reason for me to continue? What's going on within this self-worshipping technology if we sometimes feel the need to be dishonest about our involvement, or if we subscribe and sign up anyway despite our inner voice telling us beware? Candidly, my own aversion to the technology is unshakably justified when my inner voice meditates with a collective consciousness after using marijuana and/or psilocybin. 

When I confront the fabricated digital zone, I wish nothing more than to commune with my 8th grade self. In 8th grade I had pink hair, I wore all black, I didn't have a cell phone, and I had one friend named Erin. We were happy outcasts. In hindsight I suspect we were ridiculed often by our classmates,  but I was too busy playing guitar, lip-syncing to Blondie in front of my bedroom mirror, and drawing in the art room after school to notice. I tell myself that it was better to be an outcast than to be one of the popular mean girls because they peaked in high school (and are already overweight single mothers living back at home). But knowing that my 8th grade self would thumb her nose at my efforts to engineer a synthetic online identity instead of a creative life, I have to rethink my smug attitude towards the Heathers in suburbia: Did I peak in 8th grade?? I sure hope not. 

I want to reconnect with the attitudes of a former self. Until I feel better about why and what I share on a blog (if ever), I want to eject the tape and unplug... and dance in front of my mirror and make lots of drawings and disconnect my cell phone and wear all black. 

Anna

13 comments:

  1. While it is always good to unplug every now and then, I think sharing is good and inspirational. It makes the world go round. Where would we be if writers kept their books to themselves rather than publishing them, if pop stars never made and shared super awesome eighties music videos... I could go on.i find blogging and reading/looking at other blogs has encouraged me to keep up creativity and have been inspired to try new things. Whether it be visiting new places, trying out different photo or editing techniques.

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  2. Seems like we all peaked during puberty. We grow from there, or fester. Depending on attitude it would seem. But listen, participation does not denote selling out or buying in, what have you. There is an underlying emptiness to the social media dimension. Remember how much you learned about the opposite sex, chatting for hours on AIM? We all did, and got set up for this side of life we now either participate in or vocally deny it. People want to feel accepted, and want to share their lives with others. For many, it is simply a group thing- you and your friends are "friends" on some application and get to see each other's shit. For others, it is (now) a never ending list of hashtags and memes. Pictures of meals hashtag breakfast of champions! Hell, fuck it. It's a fun distraction. But don't lose yourSELF, whoever that is. If you know, you might not or you may now. You aren't your 100 pictures on instagram. But neither are you your conversations you have had with others (despite that that may be how you are perceived). Each and every person is more than what others will ever deduce or perceive. Anyway, my BATTERY is going to die. Thanks for writing. Much love, mystery woman.

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  3. Awh man, your blog is the one thing I like on the internet.

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  4. I am with you girl. Sometimes I HATE it all and long to leave it all behind and live out in the jungle (i live in panamá). i actually probably will do that eventually... but in the meantime, i agree with the other commenters that blogs connect us with people we would never have met in real life. i am from north carolina / georgia and believe you me, it is NOT cool to be a marijuana-approving liberal independent worldly woman. and now i'm in panama where everyone is going through the smart-phone craze and panamanian woman my age are bitchy and super emotional. let's just say i pretty much have never truly fit in with the crowd through my lifetime (though i certainly played the game pretty well until about 3 years ago).

    i love reading what others have to say about society, how they live their life, how they are creative, etc. because it awakes a part of me that has been dormant for too long. i'm too shy to share too much of me in public space, mainly because i'm still finding ME. but i am slowly sharing more and more, mainly for the purpose of connecting with others.

    DO YOUR THANG. that's what i say. if your heart isn't in blogging, then it won't be worth it for anyone. but we'll all still be here for you if you decide to keep with it.

    <3, mary beth

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    1. to sara & mary-beth - i really didn't write this post so that everyone would inflate my ego and insist i continue blogging, but the response has been surprising and makes me re-consider my relationship with the readers i do have. thanks to both of you for your input. keep checking in.

      anna

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  5. Even in real life we all struggle with the concept of truth and transparency,with being your own self,staying faithful to our 'real personality'...
    This questions you are making yourself i make them as well...
    I started my blog to keep a track on my life in terms of images,because i had a nervous breakdown and was trying to coming back to life and relearn how to write,them it started to be fun because a certain amount of people came 'in' and now i already have other bloggers that i consider ' friendly' faces and with whom i even stepped outside the internet twillight and went back in time to real old snail mail happy time!
    I'm a old lady so i used to have a lifejournal before and i think back in the day i shown too much,and it was hurting like my guts were always in the open.
    I don't have all the answers, i have all the doubts but still i think i'm going to do it as long as i feel good about it and if you are not feeling comfortable and ok with posting your life i agree you should press the pause button!
    Said this, i would still come to visit your blog if you only posted text.
    I love the way you write and it inspires me as much (or more) your pictures do.
    Feeling creative and alive is more important than being online,in that we agree :)

    xoxo
    Sara

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    Replies
    1. to sara & mary-beth - i really didn't write this post so that everyone would inflate my ego and insist i continue blogging, but the response has been surprising and makes me re-consider my relationship with the readers i do have. thanks to both of you for your input. keep checking in.

      anna

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  6. I'm not going to say anything that you or any of the other commenters haven't already said I suppose, but... (I suppose that's why I browse the internet too, to say things) in a sea of those "envy-blogs" as you call them, I love your voice because it doesn't feel that way, even with the pictures of yourself in the desert. I like it because even when it's form is obviously constructed to look pretty, it feels real. I've just found your journal and while I would love to keep on reading what you have to say, if unplugging (for a while or for ever) is what you need, know you'll be missed.

    And thank you!

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  7. if it wasnt for your blog, i wouldnt have travelled to marfa to play a show with my band, and seen the mystery lights. i hadnt heard of marfa before and those posts sparked my curiosity. sometimes these internet things translate to real life.

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  8. i have shunned almost every form of social media because of the reasons you mentioned above.
    most people are too scared to put themselves out there in a real honest way- the good, the bad, the sad. i'm tired of those glossy, curated blogs that whore themselves out to advertisers and only write what they think people want to hear.
    your writing is real, and beautiful. i hope you keep it up.

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