I'm at a dead end trying to find the words to express something that I can't see. I imagined that traveling this way, and for this long, would eventually lead to something inside. But the something on the inside is happening now - right fucking now while I'm filling the tank with gas again, heating up another can of beans, washing my armpits and behind my ears with baby wipes.
We drove through the nations; Navajo, Hopi, Cochiti. The only thing I confidently feel is the need to be honest with myself. What I know is that I don't know anything. I didn't see anything. I couldn't see anything that's there, just what's inside of me, reflecting back. This won't be the part where I speak for the tribes and their plight, or how I ached over a heartbreaking sight, because that's just me. That isn't what actually is. I don't know what actually is.
I'm looking out, I'm certain there's something there, but I won't be able see through all of the dust that I brought with me. We lost it, and it doesn't want to be found.
cave dwellings of the ancestral puebloan Anasazi, occupied 1250 A.D.
Your blog is piercing through the obscuring fog of an unthinking normal.
ReplyDeleteIn particular, I have read this 3 times in the last 3 minutes:
"What I know is that I don't know anything. I didn't see anything. I couldn't see anything that's there, just what's inside of me, reflecting back. This won't be the part where I speak for the tribes and their plight, or how I ached over a heartbreaking sight, because that's just me. That isn't what actually is. I don't know what actually is.
I'm looking out, I'm certain there's something there, but I won't be able see through all of the dust that I brought with me. We lost it, and it doesn't want to be found. "
...but knowing that you don't know anything is far more powerful than the alternative and is in fact knowing.
Do I know you? Is a thing or person knowable? Graspable? Even if so, for how long? I'm having fun letting you shake up my mind...
-Anthony