June 2, 2015


I cannot forget that my resolution was to have no expectations, if anything I was to expect awkward, the uncomfortable. What will we talk about? 
But I didn't allow myself to think about the possibility of the unbearable before coming.
I cross-check myself tonight to see if I am being dramatic, am I being too sensitive, am I too critical. Why don't I trust myself more?  My heart was open.
We wandered through Rome center today and Renzo spent the morning walk describing the extent of his luxurious lifestyle, how for him "only designer, only Cartier, Hermes too," and how his partner of 10 years only wears the best: Louis Vuitton, Dior, Fendi. I felt my jaw grow tense and pictured my mother writing checks to the orthodontist for the seven total years that my brother and I had braces. 
I like your hair more this way, not that way I like your shoes but we have to go get them shined immediately, you should take care of your leather This bag you have is in bad shape, tomorrow I buy you a real bag This watch is...I have better watches to give you, my watches are my babies You should sit here, not there Do not eat the apple like this, if you eat the apple like this you can go to the zoo with the animals, there is a right way and a wrong way with everything in Life You have very nice hands and feet, this is important

I wonder if he noticed my teeth and how fucking perfect those are. Thanks Mom!

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