August 15, 2013

DO YOU LIKE MILK WITH ICE?

There has been an overwhelming request from friends and strangers for me to keep sharing in this way - I promise you this wasn't my intention, I currently don't need the ego boost. I just wanted to talk about it. I don't know where I stand. It's clear that I approach most things pretty soberly, maybe too much so. I'm comforted to know that I got people thinking - that's the good stuff. 

In keeping with the theme of digital waste, I remembered yesterday that somewhere on the internet exists an OkCupid profile of mine. I joined in 2010 for a period of 13 days. I sought vengeance against an ex-boyfriend who had recently done me wrong. I hunted for his replacement in real life, but unsatisfied, I convinced myself that all of the good men were probably just online. You can imagine my disappointment when it became obvious that the sexy bearded men of my imagination - you know, the ones with strong hands, correct grammar, a motorcycle - aren't actually looking for love or sex on OkCupid.  I learned firsthand that the digital version of a man is far worse than the real thing and far from my fantasy. 
<<< >>>

June 15 2010 2:08 AM: So I just got done reading you profile and I’ve spent the last 5 minutes staring at my laptop trying to find a witty and original way to tell you how attractive I think you are. Sadly I'm not good at this whole online thing and I've been up since 6am so basically I'm all out of wit and originality at the moment. I do want to say I liked your profile, and you seem like a cool person worth getting to know. I work as a personal trainer while I’m in grad school and I play baseball on weekends. Anyways I don't want to talk your ear off and I should get going, but I hope I get to hear back from you, but if I don't it was nice almost meeting you….write back to me 

June 15 2010 7:55 AM: 

Salutations
My name is Nicholas
I like the cut of your jib.
My apologies if you offended by sailing metaphors. Or trite babble.
If you like, I could teach you how to slam dunk, but only if you have the dedication. You need to go
big or go home.
I do lots of exciting things all the time. I have eyes and a face. I also speak English. There are times
when I eat and sleep.
I enjoy manic self-celebration. It's always my time to shine and other horseshit.
You wouldn't immediately guess it from my backwater sod looks but when I bluster and bark your
erudite sensibilities will not burst aflame.
I travel.
If you're not interested in my nomadic buffoonery, I assure you the loss is mine.
I use a two in one shampoo and conditioner. I thought that might be a deal-breaker so I back loaded it.
In conclusion, you should message me back because I floss, and my grandfather says I'm cute.

June 15 2010 8:31 AM:
HEY Hey I think that your cute would you like to chat now? I really hoep that we can meet up

June 16 2010 5:09 AM:

hey you're cute,
message me back.
or else! 

June 16 2010 10:04 AM:

I think I'd enjoy meeting you. I want to see all of your tattoos. Do You have any in naughty places? :)
I'll show you mine if you show me yours. Write back

June 16 2010 11:43 AM:

Hey you
if you could go one place with your renewed passport -- all expenses paid, where would you go? i will
take you.

June 16 2010 12:00 PM:

I'm odyn. 25, 6'5", brown hair, green eyes, fit. live in the mission in sf. I'm vegan, like to meditate, go
to a lot of shows, read a lot. I like surrealist art, I make films, currently editing my psychedelic power
rangers feature. Can you touch your nose with your tongue? You're cute and seem cool. We should
chill. Whats your week usually like? Can I txt you? Give me your phone number?

June 17 2010 3:53 PM:

Hi, my name is Devin.
I'm working on my undergrad at S.F. State and will be graduating next spring with my BS in Physics. It
pretty much consumes all my time. I also work in a lab on campus because I got sick of working
customer service type jobs. Spend most of my time thinking about this.

June 17 2010 5:14 PM:

i'd gladly help you fix your motorcycle. i don't work for free though...i require payment...
in grilled cheese sandwiches lol
nathan

June 20 2010 4:09 PM:

Jim Jarmusch fan? What're your feelings that you have?

June 20 2010 10:55 PM:

Do you like milk with ice?

June 23 2010 3:52 PM:

I'm a total nice guy without being a total bitch. I'll cut to the chase so let's go out and get loose.

June 24 2010 6:35 PM:

Heyy what are you upto right now? lets get together see what happens and take it from there :-)you seem like a wild girl, i like your tattoos, what is it of?

June 25 2010 8:31 PM:

Oh hi! When, my dear, did you discover Ms. Kate Bush? And what song do you remember liking first?
I would like to know this.

June 25 2010  9:16 PM:

Woot Libras...also your last prof pic of the 3 is cute...also you speak Italian and I'm going to Italy so.....
Best.

June 26 2010 3:11 PM:

hi there,
you've just got to respond to me, i really just think you sound sterling. so either i hope i have such a
chance to talk to you or wish you all the best; that maybe one day we'll drive past eachother in south
america and give friendly waves without realizing that i am some stranger who once dropped you an
inconsequential line

June 26 2010 5:47 PM:
Start our engines... 
And now fly slow
ooh ooh ooh baby (Fly slow)
Say it feels so good
Girl when we (Fly slow)
See my rocket is so full of fuel baby
Yes it (is Fly slow)
Therefore
We can ride all through the night
(Fly slow)
We won't stop babe
We won't stop babe
<<< >>>

That's about where I called it quits. I did get one date out of it. took me over the bridge to Stinson Beach for an ice cream cone. He was a good driver and he played music that I liked. We sat and kissed in the cold sand while the fog rolled above us. I could tell he had a small penis and so I didn't go out with him again. Just kidding. But we didn't see each other again.

And during the time it took to reactivate my account and sift through the previous messages...
August 14 2013 2:59 PM:
With those stunning eyes you put every girl on here to shame. Just thought you should know. Let me show those pretty eyes my world. -Chris

August 14 2013 3:13 PM:
Hey. How are you? I'm Konstantin. You need any help fixing your bike?;) I'm a fit, nice, romantic guy. You seem sexy. When's a good time to meet?

August 14 2013 3:34 PM:
Hey there, my name is Mike. Newer to this strange site but figured i'd at least say "hi" haha. You seem like a lot of fun and have a pretty naughty side ;-) How are you doing? I'd like to see you in person and get to know all the different sides. 

August 14 2013 3:41 PM:
not sure if this is a real profile?? but if it is check out my Instagram and let me know if you would like to talk. My username is _____

August 14 2013 3:46 PM:
hey there..tryin to figure out what the tattoo on your arm is

August 14 2013 4:01 PM:
why r u so far away? come over here cutie

August 14 2013 4:02 PM:
hi what is the name of the degree you are working with towards?

August 14 2013 4:10 PM:
Hullo there. i think your sexy. i just learned something involving tacos today so your profile interested me

3 comments:

  1. Scary is the word here ahaha i always been very afraid of dating sites!

    ReplyDelete
  2. That is hilarious. At least three years ago they wrote you poetry... nowadays they want you to check out their instagrams. Must be weird being a chick, especially a hot one.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Topical:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekW5vKi7m58

    ReplyDelete